Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.

At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.

Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!

Me: Oh, that is so sweet-

K: *pull out paint*

Me: You really don’t-

K: *pull out glue*

Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-

K: *pull out glitter*

Me: Christmas is cancelled.

Ring = she’s married

Nose ring = she’s married to a bull

Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.

My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.

He’s 21 and home for the summer.

It doesn’t get better.

Welcome to twitter! Your emotional support raccoon will be with you shortly.

If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.

Some people are glistening beacons of nope.

Me: Grab me the red one

Dog: Not funny

Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.

I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am

SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me

ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??

WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.

Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.

ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm

We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to

😂😂

Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”

NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.

all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man

Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.

Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there

Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-

Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.

Me: colored diamond.

Friend: So, do you workout?

Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?

Friend: No

Me: Yeah, neither have I.

“Waitress!”

Waitress: “Sir?”

“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it