one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
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IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
I hope it’s French Onion!
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
23. the denim jacket
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”