How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
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Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up