I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
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Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*widow rolls eyes*
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
[he stops writing, frowns]
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
[if Lois Lane was a witness]
Criminal: *puts on glasses*
Lois Lane: I’m sorry, I’ve never seen this man before.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.