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@LoveNLunchmeat

Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.

@chapel3929

*deathbed*

All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*

getting down to this… sick… beat

*dies*

*widow rolls eyes*

@TweetsByKaylee

interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?

me: self-quarantine

interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000

me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies

@AaronBurdette

With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.

@joejwest

LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v?e?n?g?e?a?n?c?e?
grapes

@tastefactory

The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in

@secondofhername

[if Lois Lane was a witness]
Criminal: *puts on glasses*
Lois Lane: I’m sorry, I’ve never seen this man before.

@markedly

To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: How dilated is she?

Nurse: 4 centimeters.

Me: This is America.

Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.