one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
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Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
that’s just… not what monogamy means??
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.