one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
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ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Not all heroes wear capes…
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw