Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.

8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course

Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street

Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.

Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy

#medicalvalentine

*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.

I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.

half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer

Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction

I finally bought a set of dumbells.

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?

Please say 6 weeks.

Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!

Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.

“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son

*forces square peg into round hole

Round hole: wrong hole.

There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.

Except for a broken foot.

Then you should see a doctor.

Me: Forever young!

Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.

Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.

I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.

#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.

Customs officer: Occupation?

German: Nein, just visiting.

My mom was right. My face did stay this way.

My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”

Drunk Draft Folder Contents:

“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”

The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.

I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.

I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.

I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…

Ground up and in the freezer

78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*