Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

inside you are two wolves

Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor

Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?

Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course

Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.

*eating catfish*

This looks nothing like it did on the menu

My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!

He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days

Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

[the first couples argument]

Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.

Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.

I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.

Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.

Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD

Barney: I love you, you love me

Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing

Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”

There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.

My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it

Great acting.. 😂

home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving

My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.

Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok

Sir!!

My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.

You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.

I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.

“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”

* me, in public on more than one occasion.

Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.

A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.

I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.

No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.

Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday