One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
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Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
the way he checked his surroundings 😭
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
No. He’s not coming out to play
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party