Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things

I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.

me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat

friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony

the word: Mildew

my brain: Mother In Law Dew

Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?

A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.

ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):

I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.

My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent

(At the dentist)

‘Your grinding isn’t good.’

Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]

Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!

Harry: *y’er

They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most

dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor

You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma

One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.

5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.

I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.

Her: Why is that expression on your face?

Me: I’m trying to remember your name.

Her: It’s Kelly.

Me: No that’s not it.

“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.

When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.

I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.

Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog