Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]

the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person

‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place

*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*

*table stretches to five pages*

Me: what word would you use?

Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before

You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.

The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.

Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅

Just ticking off my bucket list.

Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail

Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye

If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.

*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*

When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.

GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.

*12 hours later*

GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.

Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”

Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”

The Assassin.

In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end

At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.

LMAO.

My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.

I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.

me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.

me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on

Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.

Condescending:

(adj) showing patronizing superiority

(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.

There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.

[before Toto]

Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*

I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.

I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse