Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project

[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider

My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.

Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?

Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.

went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser

I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’

I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.

Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco

*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”

(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.

You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.

Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline

My family likes to play this game called “let’s leave dry fucking toothpaste in the sink until it hardens and we need dynamite just to remove it”

What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.

What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.

(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:

“Bit windy”

My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed

Clark Kent “I have a confession”

Lois Lane “what is it?”

*Clark removes his glasses*

Lois “Is it a bird?”

Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”

My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”

“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open

PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat

ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll steal their horse and turn it into glue.

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?