Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids

My diet was going really well until I woke up.

Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there

*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO

So can we start calling them Traylor now?

There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now

A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.

I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.

My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.

Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.

Let’s walk and talk.

You go that way.

Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.

Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.

waiter: our special is only $7.99

mechanic: i’m a mechanic.

[seconds later]

waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.

mechanic: that’s too much.

waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.

If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me

DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen

Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”

Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.

Mortician: Please put that back.

Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.

*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.

I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.

Spring cleaning checklist…

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.

When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.

Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife

You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.

I hope it’s French Onion!

what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night