one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun
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You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
If you love someone, let them tweet.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight