Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.

Only while supplies last.

[therapy]

WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter

ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny

infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-

me: no

infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]

me: ok listen here

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.

Some guy in the middle of my Nosferatu screening took out his phone and googled ‘Nosferatu’

This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century

The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?

Also no…

if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?

*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!

I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!

“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”

-Ground hogs

Navy: (subtweets)

Army: (helicoptertweets)

[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*

[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*

The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.

*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”

Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

New Year, New Me

New Me [looking around]: absolutely not

So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.

“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”

-Costco.

My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.

I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money

Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”

Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to

Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*