One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
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“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
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Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
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Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
A fake ID that makes you younger
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.