One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
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Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Good Morning.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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