One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
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Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..