Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

“Emergency Defibrillator”

As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?

No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.

*opens fortune cookie*

“REDACTED”

do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun

I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.

do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators

My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis

The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.

King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?

If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now

Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.

If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.

My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao

Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*

I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…

The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.

apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida

he asked “what are we?” i said we the best

Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?

Just me?

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works

I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.

Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.

Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee

If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.

[commercial for tupperware]

Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?

– Tupperware