Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Washing machine doesn’t give a shit

My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.

*Slams suitcase shut*

Me: Case closed.

Judge: Stop doing that.

me: fancy a movie?

them: what do you have in mind?

me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?

them: what’s it about?

me: August 2020

You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.

With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.

Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.

The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.

If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.

I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.

6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈

Me – Why?

6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂

Me – 😢

You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check

“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”

“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.

Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.

Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?

My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.

daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit

me: heh what else could it be

daughter: [leaves]

me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is

*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef

Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns

Things that don’t exist:

1. Unicorn

2. Ghosts

3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.

Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.

Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware

My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.

I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.

I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?

NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.