One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
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*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
👍
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
BaD BoY!!
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!