One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
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I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse