Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.

It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.

Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved

I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.

Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?

I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.

I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes

Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.

“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt

“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump

Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.

Me: Not until you turn the heat down.

dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why

Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.

Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.

I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.

[first date]

Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?

Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.

*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store

[APARTMENT KITCHEN]

GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent

[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]

RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die

RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes

If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant

Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?

Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution

i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries

OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there

It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.