One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
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How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?
you will never know the true number of layers
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
“you look easy to draw”
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
My current situation
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.