one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees
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There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
😂🤣😂🤣
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Godzilla was the first house flipper.