one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees
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Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?