one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees
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Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman
also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
#have a #great #PancakeDay
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”