one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees
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Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Self-cleaning conscience
*serious situation*
My brain:
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.