one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
You Might Also Like
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Me trying to look natural in photos
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.