one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
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Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
I’m eating sandwiches you haven’t heard of in jeans you can’t pronounce
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Remember during Covid, if you had family over for Christmas the police would show up and make them go home?
Does anybody know if this service is still available?
Thanks in advance.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Goat cheese is for herders.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.