one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
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My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Sex so good you see dead people.
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Priorities
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.