one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
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If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?