I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
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[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Assuming makes an ass out of u and Ming, the thai food delivery boy who you assumed was from Thailand but is actually Chinese.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
You walk into my bedroom…
I’m laying naked with a platter of nachos on my chest.
You get punched while trying to take some of my nachos.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR