@KrangTNelson

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

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@murrman5

other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut

@Bob_Heller

Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.

@BriAnneHolthaus

i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.

@LaTreiHinton

Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..

@Michael1979

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍

@thepaulasuzanne

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.

@1Happytwit

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

@sofarrsogud

[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.