one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
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me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
If you know, you know
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.