one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
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I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
it must be school picture day
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
This made me chuckle cuz mood
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick