one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
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Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
The word Ohio looks like a tractor
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
the only career advice i have is make every decision that moves you closer to not having to be on linkedin
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?