Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.

Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.

Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.

So, teardrop tattoo it is.

[Garden Of Eden]

Adam: Is this your first time?

Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.

Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit

I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.

Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.

Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?

How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

My good tweets are in my other pants.

The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.

My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol

HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!

My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover

Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.

As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.

I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.

This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣

Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.

wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.

Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers

what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.

[boxing gym]

*points at everything*

I’d hit that.

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?

You go home because it’s your favorite one being used

Math is easy