one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
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Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
I know
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now