One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
