One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
“What base is it when you share your chocolates?”
Me eating MY chocolates:
I wouldn’t know
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
