Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?

Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs

I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.

I’m the keen oat speaker.

*coughs*

horrifying if literal: the electric slide

“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”

Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.

Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up

Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.

I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.

Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.

Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful

“For a really awkward time, call me.”

-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.

Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.

Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

(Invention of the necktie)

I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.

*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth

Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8

Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset

You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!

Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.

Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.

Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?

Me: *stops the car* get out!

“What do you like to do in your free time?”

Golf.

“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”

8 years ago.

her: wanna come over

me: can’t i’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

Them: I don’t like you.
Me:

I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.

[store window advert – 50% off everything]

me: is everything really half off?

sales assistant: absolutely

me: even this $750 suit?

sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout

me: I’ll take it

sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please

I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.

cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”

The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.