Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?

Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..

When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.

Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow

Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”

Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?

Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so

Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.

how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands

“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor

My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬

I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.

Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.

My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.

My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.

The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind

[after divorce]

I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.

Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?

Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.

Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.

I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.

2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa

me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?

“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.

Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying

[after winning scratch off ticket]

*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.

“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”

– 11yo, not wrong

Me: My neck is a little stiff

Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis

The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.

aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out