Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”

My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.

Me: OMG I love this song

Radio: should I play it again

Me: okay

Radio: fifteen times

Me: wait

Radio: every hour

Me: no

Radio: for the next six months

Lady in the park:

Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion

Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂

My husband is extra efficient.

He leaves cabinets open for next time.

[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”

Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.

I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.

sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance

The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.

But wait…

Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?

I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle

Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

How to lose a gf:

Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*

In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.

GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.

ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?

Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?

Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.

Me: I’m flying United today.

Him: Don’t forget your helmet.

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*

How’s your Saturday going?

I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.

the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’

Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up

Me: I said I was sorry

Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*

Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.

CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]

me: can i get a big mac

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty