One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
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Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
My patience has stretch marks.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.