@SteveKoehler22

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

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@QwertyJones3

[during sex]

ME: I’m Italian, how about you?

HER: Finnish

ME: Ok sure just give me a second

@pleatedjeans

“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter

@Knorg

“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”

@gtfml

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

@ValGyorgy

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

@thatdutchperson

When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.

@Hurly_Burly

Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?