Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.

I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring

I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.

Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.

If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.

waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone

I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn

Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house

Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG

I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.

Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims

This is my favorite one of these!

Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.

Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?

ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it

My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?

Me: The what?

Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?

*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*

Me: Practice.

I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside

me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]

Game developer: his name is Donkey

Nintendo: nice

Developer: he’s a gorilla

Nintendo: ok twist

Developer: who wears a necktie

Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?

Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?

Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking

God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect

Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha

God *creates asteroids*

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

[furniture store]

Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.

When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them

I like to move it.

But not move it move it.

Just the one move it.

[home schooling, day 1]

Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.

Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.

If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team

ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?

ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along

ME: We really need you on top the horse

[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”