Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.

i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them

me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom

dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom

I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.

Direct deposit: $1,400

Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*

ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for

MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life

ME: Oh you will son, trust me

{20 years later…}

MY GRANDSON: Dad?

MY SON: Yes?

MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?

Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.

GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]

If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend

The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.

I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.

Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.

wife: how did the poetry slam go?

me: *taping my glasses back together * better

NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS

[cross-country trip]

me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap

passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi

Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?

Take me now, covid.

I stand by it

[Before people were invented]

THE EARTH: This is nice

My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.

I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye

Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.

I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds

This is my emotional support knife.

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”

The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing

I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.