Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
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i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
KFC hitting the cannibal market
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”