One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
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My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.