Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what

NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

[Batman picking a catchphrase]

Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander

Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity

Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime

Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”

Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing

Me buying fruit and veg

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.

Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.

Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out

why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs

scarecrow: i need a brain!

tin man: i need a heart!

me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item

dorothy: again, he’s not with us

Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT

Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.

Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.

Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.

Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.

I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.

Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.

HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.

… Nailed it!

-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.

Just a phase…

*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*

My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”

If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.

If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.

If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.

If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.

God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.

[sees giant spider in house]

[tells girlfriend “I got this”]

[slowly rolls up magazine]

[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]

I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants

boss: you’re fired

me: [pausing tiktok] why

Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control

anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?

Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary

Employee: sir, this is a haunted house

Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.