Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅

We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.

Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels

How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?

With quad-ratic equations.

Math teacher; suppose you have five friends

Me:

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it

I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke

Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—

Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird

Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron

wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse

doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-

*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon

Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.

Me: So you have it too?

no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers

One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.

soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.

Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.

Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.

Cat: Secretly? No.

Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂

Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.

Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.

SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive

Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?

SEGA:

Nintendo:

SEGA: well that would have made sense

Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it

Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.

Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

Genie: what are your three wishes

Me: make me a waffle

[suddenly I am a waffle]

Me: no, like a waffle to eat

[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]

Me: no! for me to eat

[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.

ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?

SUPER FAT ANT: the who?

There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.