Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse

Aaaa…CHOO!

how to exercise your calf muscles

Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.

In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.

Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.

amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19

me: thats okay *hits accept*

amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*

“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”

*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle

If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.

[1st date]

[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor

Her: “How’s your meal?”

[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]

this site is so cooked lol

When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.

Crush: what u up to

Me: about to take a shower and listen to music

Crush: nice, what kind

Me: *nervously* one with water

[gun shop]

ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?

CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal

ME: Ok

CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately

*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’

Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive

Nobody:

Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk

Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.

can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point

my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.

I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.

-me watching hockey

Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want

Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die

i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table

Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.