[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
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Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)