Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?

Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.

Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?

E1: Lol, “amusement park.”

[My 8yo looking for something]

OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.

This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret

I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.

That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.

Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild

I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove

A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.

if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up

My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.

I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?

ME: Getting out of corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?

ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?

ME: Guess this is my time to shine.

Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.

I’m not positive,

but I think when you say you’re “over” something,

YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.

Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2

Friend: What?

Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn

Friend: Who hurt you?

What’s dopamine is dopayours.

I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues

It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.

I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”

who did the taste test?

Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.

[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN

doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry

bigfoot: weird

at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom

Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you