Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
gentlemen, hear me out
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.