One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
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When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.