One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
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The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Every damn time
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
2022 will be better than 2021
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car