One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
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[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards