One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
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Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Sounds like a real hoot.
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
who will stop them
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake