One venti cheeseburger please.
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Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet