One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
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For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.