One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
You Might Also Like
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again