One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

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I don’t always eat breakfast in my underwear but when I do, I get escorted out of Waffle House.


I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter



Dad, Mum, this is my girlfriend. You might recognise her, she used to be quite famous

*the laugh-cry emoji steps forward shyly*


Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.


The moderator needs a spray bottle. Each time someone interrupts, they could just be like: “NO! BAD PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE! BAD!! *spray*


I’m far less concerned with who let it out, and more curious as to why the cat was in the bag in the first place?


[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen


I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet


60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.


You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.