@JennyJohnsonHi5

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

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@BradBroaddus

I don’t always eat breakfast in my underwear but when I do, I get escorted out of Waffle House.

@punmagnate

I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter

@bea_ker

[2025]

Dad, Mum, this is my girlfriend. You might recognise her, she used to be quite famous

*the laugh-cry emoji steps forward shyly*

@timdonakowski

Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.

@EllieM72

The moderator needs a spray bottle. Each time someone interrupts, they could just be like: “NO! BAD PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE! BAD!! *spray*

@MarkAFuqua_Hunt

I’m far less concerned with who let it out, and more curious as to why the cat was in the bag in the first place?

@internetluke

[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen

@mitchysuch

I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet

@DadandBuried

60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.

@JonAcuff

You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.