One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
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If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
I only treason on days ending in y
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.