Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled

pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet

me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER

Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron

My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.

Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?

Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic

Teacher: 😐😐😐

tfw you realize …

First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.

Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.

Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*

Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this

Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name

~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare

me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*

Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?

Wife: Right here!

Me:

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?

Me: Yes

Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless

911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now

Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.

“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.

My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.

My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.

Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.

husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*

me: what’s with all the water

him: you know FULL WELL

*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!

Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?

me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work

captor: i don’t care

me: they get paid under the stable

captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma