One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
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RT if you know someone like this!!!
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
This is my pinned tweet
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.