One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
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Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
my nickname in college
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
No one can handle that
The news
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,