One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
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GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Perfect
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.