Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.

I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.

TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.

The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.

I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.

I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.

A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.

Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.

Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.

Enter new password

“336Hours”

Your password is two weeks

Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky

Vampire: don’t say it like that

After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute

if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married

When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check

Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.

my one true gender

Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.

Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?

Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.

Me: Wow! New record.

i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form

‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.

My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.

What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation

[Tattoo on nuts]

Caution: May contain people

I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.

My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.

turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁