One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
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I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
I was at the post office and someone at the back of the line said “do you mind if I skip to the front? I just need to mail a package” and the bravest man in the world said “do you think we’re all here for fun?”
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
some cats are just doing for fun!
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.