One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
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I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
I don’t think my car can fly
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.