One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
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I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon