One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
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stop
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned