One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
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Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
early stone age tool
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying