Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:

1. She’s silent.

2. She’s yelling.

3. She acts the same.

4. She acts different.

5. She murdered you.

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,

Shut up.

*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins

My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’

Straight people are cancelled

IT: You deleted the OS?

Me: I think so.

IT: It didn’t warn you?

Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?

In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.

[Yelp Customer Review]

Bill’s Wild West Saloon

Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars

Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*

Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.

Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.

I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.

Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.

Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.

A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.

I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps

If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’

Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?

Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!

I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.

This story is comedy gold 😂

I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.

[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL

If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.

My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”

I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.

But the haters are really getting to me.

1/

Baller is short for ballerina

the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.