One week of daily crunches and I have abs…urdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.
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It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
This could’ve been an email.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.