One week of daily crunches and I have abs…urdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.
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Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
You can’t outrun your problems…
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Welcome
Made something I’m not proud of
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
how to have fun when you’re poor
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.