one week till the election
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No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Pickled cat.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it