one week till the election
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11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.