one week till the election
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If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
They got a point!
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex